Immanuel

OH the joy! We have finally reached the new year! 2010 is over and done with, which I am really happy about, because that was one challenging year for me.  But I know that the struggles I faced in the past year were necessary. Through all of the hurt and confusion, I think I became human again. I was brought low, and I became deeply aware of my own brokenness.

I have changed a lot. A year ago, I was numb, and hardly ever cried. I really thought that I had forgotten how to cry or that maybe my tears had all dried up. Either way, I didn’t think I would cry again. I just went through the motions of life, moving, and moving, and trying to avoid His loving touch. But then I began hitting walls. There was no more running. There was no more hiding. God has a way of getting to us. And it hurt when I finally stopped fighting Him and faced how wounded I was. It stung. The wounds from my past were just as fresh as when they were first inflicted, and Jesus wanted in. To touch and to heal.

This year, I have seen how God longs to get in our mess with us. He is a God who weeps for us—and then—eventually with us. That was my journey. I slowly became more and more aware of my brokenness, and eventually, the tears started to come..little by little, like a leaky faucet.

But then, the stripping away began. It began in the summer and lasted for months. God slowly took away the things that I valued too much in my life, and found too much identity in. And it hurt a lot. It hurt more than ripping a bandaid off of my skin. Because, in a lot of ways, the things that I gave to him/ he had asked for had become who I was. And so as I layed down some of the most precious things that I had, I wept, but I knew He was worth it. He is, and always should be my first love.

Immanuel–”God with us”. Even through a season where I felt depressed, and sometimes alone, there have been moments where I have felt his touch and nearness in the most intimate of ways.

I am learning to lean. Lean on him and those who he has brought along side of me. Through this season He has given me a family, an odd collection of people who love me for me. People that  are deeply aware of their own brokenness and stand with me in mine. They have been a gift, and they have helped me push through the messiness, and see the beauty of God’s action in my life.

And now, here I stand. I am at a completely different place than where I was a year ago. I’m headed in a new direction, not really knowing where I am going. But he is with me, and that is enough.

I am entering this new year with a new hope being birthed inside of me. This is a new year, new season, and a new chapter of my life. And I’m entering into it. No more looking back. No more dwelling on how hard things have been. He is doing a new thing! Watch out, 2011 is going to be great!

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~ by alexadruhan on January 2, 2011.